There are two levels of forgiveness...
LEVEL 1: LETTING GO
The first level is deciding to let go of the bitterness and resentment towards your partner. This does not mean that you automatically feel better or don’t have any of the traumatic symptoms we talk about HERE.
It just means that you are deciding to begin healing. It is often during this time that you decide whether you want to heal with your partner or without your partner.
72% of individuals actually decide to stay and try to work on the relationship. I mean, usually you have a life together and it’s not easy to split your life down the middle and be okay…it effects you and your kids if you have them.
So no one should harass you for trying to work it out…and if they do then they don’t really care about you.
Throughout level 1 we are dealing with learning the story of the affair and understanding the who, what, where, when, and why parts of the emotional affair. Honesty is extremely important.
It just means that you are deciding to begin healing. It is often during this time that you decide whether you want to heal with your partner or without your partner.
72% of individuals actually decide to stay and try to work on the relationship. I mean, usually you have a life together and it’s not easy to split your life down the middle and be okay…it effects you and your kids if you have them.
So no one should harass you for trying to work it out…and if they do then they don’t really care about you.
Throughout level 1 we are dealing with learning the story of the affair and understanding the who, what, where, when, and why parts of the emotional affair. Honesty is extremely important.
LEVEL 2: LETTING IN
The second level of forgiveness is where you decide to let them back into your life. This is not always done. If our child was experiencing sexual abuse and we learned about it…we may learn to level 1 forgive but we sure as heck wouldn’t let them back into our lives level 2 style…because it would be too dangerous.
We hear a lot of people say, “well, you said you forgave me so why are we still talking about this?” But just because we have forgiven doesn’t mean the pain is magically gone.
We have experienced a deep sense of rejection, trauma, and shattered assumptions of the world which take time and consistency to really truly let the other person back into our lives.
This level is totally possible but it takes time. We have know that our partner won’t do it again because if we let down our guard and let them in again to the deepest most sacred part of ourselves again, we risk being hurt again. It’s like the old saying, fool me once - shame on you, fool me twice - shame on me.
You really decide whether you should take forgiveness to level 2 status by how how successfully you move through level 1.
We hear a lot of people say, “well, you said you forgave me so why are we still talking about this?” But just because we have forgiven doesn’t mean the pain is magically gone.
We have experienced a deep sense of rejection, trauma, and shattered assumptions of the world which take time and consistency to really truly let the other person back into our lives.
This level is totally possible but it takes time. We have know that our partner won’t do it again because if we let down our guard and let them in again to the deepest most sacred part of ourselves again, we risk being hurt again. It’s like the old saying, fool me once - shame on you, fool me twice - shame on me.
You really decide whether you should take forgiveness to level 2 status by how how successfully you move through level 1.
